Day 6: 11/11/11
★ out of ★★★★★
Horray, another shitty apocalypse movie! This one relies on a good ol’ crappy horror favorite: devil worshipers and a small child serving as the vehicle for Satan. The cover can certainly lead one to believe there is some decent creepy stuff to come, maybe some gruesome kills - certainly, at the very least, a slow metamorphosis of a young boy from an innocent child to a demon spawn.
Except.. y’know, not. What we are given is a pair of incredibly dense, piss-poor parents. Maybe it’s just me, but if, in my first few days of moving into a house, I’m greeted with a slew of really strange neighbors that possess an inappropriate level of interest in my child, a painter getting splattered by a truck right in front of my house, and windows suddenly slamming on themselves and shattering glass everywhere - I wouldn’t. Fucking. Stay. But I’m not a horror movie mom, so what do I know?
Anyway, after that swell first day, the couple go on to discover they are in need of a full-time nanny. Nanny #1 is bubbly and sweet and just right for the job! Nanny #2 is aloof and works at a butcher shop. When Nanny #1 becomes unavailable (due to getting kicked to death by #2, but shhhhh) … their only choice is #2. Really? There were only TWO nannies available in the whole town? There wasn’t a single other young gal to employ in watching their son? Maybe someone who doesn’t encourage him to set butterflies on fire and scratches him all to hell with some silly cult symbol? Meh.
Dad didn’t seem to care all that much. He doesn’t seem to care about anything, really. Old neighbor lady keeps trying to kidnap my son? Eh, big whoop. Entire faculty where I work keep saying cryptic things and speaking in hushed voices? That’s just the office culture! People who talk to me in private die or disappear? Gosh, lots of people must be retiring! My son sets his birthday present on fire? Pft, I got to go to work. Son stabs wife? Eeehhhh.. I guess I should call for paramedics and then continue to ignore the stab happy boy. When he rips open a mouse and smears its blood on the wall, that just means it’s bedtime!
As for mom, well she was sedated throughout the whole movie, so there isn’t much to say!
The stabbing and the mouse-painting were really two of the only three evil things the kid ended up doing. Throughout the whole movie I was waiting for him to be, y’know, a little Satan in training? Honestly, most of the film was pretty dull. Nearly all the deaths were the devil worshipers killing each other, for some reason. Never really explained, actually. They seemed to kill one of their own for just looking at the doomed family weird. The deaths themselves were never interesting either. One guy fell on a fence.. Another got smacked with a shovel.. and.. some other stuff… Man, I don’t even remember anymore, it was so boring.
Also strange about them was… they had their bizarrely obvious sekreet meetings… in a van. Parked out in the street. During broad daylight. Full of smoke. I swear, the only way to actually interpret this movie for it to make any sense whatsoever is that the cult members were actually just a group of weird potheads and the dad was slowly going insane, leading to the murder of his son and wife. (oops, spoiler! pft, like any of you were going to watch this dren anyway.)
The only reason this got any stars at all was because it had one mildly interesting character: the old woman next door who kept (poorly) trying to kill the boy. When the movie started, Nolan actually thought she had dementia, as her behavior was exactly like that of a lot of the residents he works with. But, no, she’s just obsessed with stopping the apocalypse. And also with finding her cat. She never really does either, the poor dear.
In the end, this was yet another dull entry in the “end of the world”/”the devil is born” genre. At least it taught me that police cars apparently leak explosive wasps. Who knew?!