Day 10: Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
☹ out of ★★★★★
Yes ladies, gentlemen, and non-binaries, we have another sad face review. I’ll start this off by saying I have yet to see any of the other Mega-thing vs. Giant other-thing movies, so I’m not sure how this stacks up against them. Or if they’re, y’know, all this bad.
They probably are.
After I realized this was made by the same people who made 11/11/11, I did some wikipeding and learned something interesting. The production company, Asylum, makes these piles of crap in just a few months. (Not shocking.) The scripts are churned out in about 4 weeks. It shows so bad that it makes my inner wanna-be screenwriter weep.
I think what makes these movies so horrible isn’t the small budgets or the general lack of talent of everyone involved. It’s that none of them actual seem to give a shit. At all. And maybe that’s what makes it so hard for me to just sort of shut off my brain and enjoy a ridiculous horror movie like this. At least with a lot of other bad horror movies (A Bothered Conscience, for example) it feels like the people responsible were actually trying to make a good movie. They just failed at it, which is fine. The Asylum production company just doesn’t care. It’s irritating.
Who gives a shit if it’s blatantly clear to anyone with any knowledge about anything at all that steroids wouldn’t mutant alligators to the size of dinosaurs. Who cares if the impossible effects of said steroids could not even conceivably be passed on to the offspring. Making giant gators is the goal here! Duh!
Let’s ignore the fact that the solution to huge, non-indigenous snakes decimating the local gator population, upsetting the balance of the environment would not be to mutate said gators to beyond their natural state, thus further unbalancing the environment! Revenge against the snakes for sending one’s non-parks ranger fiance out to do your own job and him dying because of it is more important! Screw the rest of the wildlife.
Who needs sensible wardrobes? Our lead has big boobs and that must be shown nonstop, no matter how unprofessional it is!
Hmm, environmental protesters? Well, all protesters are hippies. Let’s dress them up like they walked right out of the 60s. Gold!
This scene needs more explosions. None of the characters have access to explosives. Meh, Molotovs are sort of like bombs, right? BOOM! Good enough!
Random cat-fight! Aww yeah. Let’s have them throw food at each other and splash around in the swamp, all while ignoring gunshots and screaming. Moar wet dresses!!11!!
It’s just.. ugh. There’s a shitty movies.. and then there’s this crap. This crap, whose only draw is the promise of giant monster fighting, manages to fail there too. I mean, Razortooth at least had a damn good CGI monster model. It was scary looking, even if it wasn’t realistic. The snakes and gators here, though? Looked about as professionally made as 90s clipcart. Exciting.
For a while, I’ve been meaning to watch Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus or whatever that is, but now? I don’t think I could go through something like this again without stabbing myself in the eyes with a fork.
About the only positive thing I have to say about this is that the two singers-turned-horrible-actresses at least get it in the end. (omg spoiler!!!1!). Granted, they then have a park or whatever named after them.
Really? Miss release-pythons-into-the-everglades and miss 100-foot-tall-gators-will-fix-everything get honored after their deaths? The two people who, y’know, nearly destroyed the place and killed lots and lots of people?
It’s like naming a school after Lex Luthor or something. Sure, he didn’t actually destroy the place, but he sure as hell tried.